God is love.

how amazing is it that God spoke our world into existence? he is so almighty and so powerful that just one word from him turned into something wonderful. what's even more amazing then that? he formed man with his own hands. he could have easily spoke man into existence as well, but he took the time to form and shape man into his image. he even breathed life into man. just think, you are filled with the very breath of God; proof that we are his greatest creation and we are made to have a relationship with him.

even though he created all of us to have this relationship, it is something that we often forget. we get so distracted and so wrapped up in our insignificant worries and problems that we leave God behind. we even accuse God of leaving us, when in reality, he's always right beside us- waiting for us to come to him. he's always been there for us and will always be there for us. all we have to do is open our eyes. God is love, and we can't even fathom how true this is.

the truth about death.

it tears some people apart, but makes others stronger. although it is unfortunate and dreaded, it is a necessary part of life. it's what makes life worth living. of course nobody wants to die, but we shouldn't be afraid to die. wait a second..... let me rephrase that: Christians shouldn't be afraid to die. why is this, you ask? because we have something much better waiting for us. after all, it's not true death, but instead a new and better life.

RIP Jim Farrell
you are loved and will forever remain in our hearts.

i want to yearn for you

why is it that all the good i try to do just falls like ashes to the ground in front of me? i truly have good intentions, but it crumbles every time. i know why. its because i wasnt trusting God with it. i want to give it all to him, but im not sure that i know how. even when it seems as though hes abandoned me, he hasnt. hes always with me, watching everything i do. he waits for me to fail so that i might realize how i cant do anything without him. i dont want to stumble around in the dark anymore. i know im hated, but i want to be hated for Gods glory. matthew 10:39 says "if you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it." i want to share Jesus with people that dont know him. i want to reach the unreached. i want to encourage the oppressed. i want to bring life to those who are headed towards death. i want God to shine through me, to speak through me, to love through me. but i want it all to be for Gods glory, not my own.
why is it that all the good i try to do just falls like ashes to the ground in front of me? because i wanted to glorify myself. i want to yearn for you, i want to burn with passion.
God please give me direction, and a longing for your will. im not sure where my life is headed, but wherever i end up, i dont want it to be without you. im nothing without you, Lord. it doesnt matter if they hate me, just help me show your love to them. i call myself a Christian, but i want others to know that im following Christ without me having to tell them. it may be raining all around me, but i want to praise you in this storm because you are greater than everything.

it hurts to be hated.

why is it that home doesnt feel like home? i havent done anything wrong. in fact, im hated for doing something right. im sorry that im now a rule follower. im sorry that i dont want to be alone with your boyfriend. im sorry that you hate me for it. but im a good friend, and thats your loss.

dying on the inside

i'm always the person giving hugs, lending an ear, drying the eyes of my friends and telling them it will be okay. i'm the one who will go to the ends of the earth to save them from anything, even themselves. 

so when is someone going to do the same for me? when will someone notice my fake smiles, my hidden pain, my many scars? if only someone would truly be there for me.. if only someone would look at me and listen to my story and see how I'm falling apart inside... 


i love my friends dearly but i lie to them all the time. i tell them that i'm fine and they believe me because the mask i wear eludes them. my mask tells them that i'm okay. that i'm fine, when i'm really the opposite. when will i find someone i can be myself with? when can i stop playing these games? i secretly want them to notice. i want them to help me and be there for me... but no matter how many hints i drop, they're still absorbed in their own little problems. 

how much more obvious do i have to be?

don't you see? i'm dying on the inside.

a few words that equal me:

 tainted. ruined. dirty. corrupted. scarred. defiled. infected. whore. unloved. unwanted. stupid. pitiful. ugly. unworthy. used. poor. worthless. weak. helpless. failure. loser. disgrace. shame. stained. polluted. tarnished. clouded. catastrophe. tragedy. disaster. misfortune. incapable.


have you ever felt so bad about yourself that you dont want people to have to put up with you anymore? im to the point now where im so tired of living. but i dont exactly want to die either. i just want to disappear to a lonely island somewhere, and not bother anyone ever again.

when you look at me, you would never see the pain from the outside, its masked by a multitude of smiles. why is this, you ask? i dont want sympathy, i dont want attention. i just want to be left alone. all those words i used to describe myself, thats what i see when i look in the mirror. i dont want to be that person anymore, but i dont know what to do. i just want to give in and give up.

but i cant talk about my problems. ive tried and i cant do it. why cant i? i wish i knew. writing and painting seem to be the only positive ways i can express myself. i try to refrain from doing destructive things, but they just seem to work so much better. why is that? again, i wish i knew... oh how i wish i knew...

until the clouds run out of tears.

tears, they come and go. like storms. the raindrops, the falling water, the sorrow in the sky, the wail in the wind. the fierce emotion of a storm is very much alive. is that why i cry? is sadness a reminder of life? or life a reminder of sadness? does sadness go away with the tears? like the storm, it can only cry so much, until it gets worn out and has no tears left. crying. the clouds, they still want to cry. and cant. is that not sad? am i like that? why cant i cry? has the storm passed or have i run out of rain? i am soaked in tears, with no shelter. why live? im so cold and wet. the storm only lets up when it has no tears left to cry. its emotion still roars in its belly. why live? storms seem like the only weather. why go on? is there more? where is she, the sun? my promise, my emotion. where is she? it is gray. i am gray, like the storm. transitory. not dark, not light. in transition, a mixed state. i am both alive and dead.

Individuality

Some trees grow very tall and straight and large in the forest, close to each other; but some must stand by themselves or they won't grow at all.

Being normal isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's more of a challenge than anything. But don't we all want to fit in? Sure, but we also want to be ourselves at the same time, which doesn't seem to turn out very well in our world today. Individuality isn't about being the opposite of who people say you should be, but discovering who you are meant to be.

Why are we so afraid to let people see who we really are? Is it because the world has taught us to fit into specific molds and norms? Or maybe it's because the world has taught us to hate ourselves? This isn't how we were mean to live. In this culture and society, the world has convinced us that we are nothing special. But we were created to be special, and this is something that we need to embrace. We need to take pride in what makes us unique, not suppress it until we forget who we really are. Being different doesn't make you inferior, incapable, or even a rebel. It makes you, you. Don't let the world set your pace.